I’ve been working since Polly was about five weeks old. Written down, that looks crazy. Back then, it wasn’t hard. She slept 20 hours a day. I’d work in between episodes of One Born Every Minute, my episiotomy throbbing as I shuddered at the sound of the gas and air (no, I didn’t think I was a masochist before this, either). I’d clean the house for hours with my bundle strapped to me, hoovering and tidying - sleep deprived, but generally feeling pretty smug. Got it licked, I thought.
The control I’ve always had - and needed - in my life was maintained during those first days and early weeks. And why would it not, I thought?
As time has passed, I’ve taken on more work and taken steps with my personal creativity. I’m confident and take Polly out a lot and every spare hour is taken up with something. Even when the baby is in bed (for our blessings, she sleeps), it’s PRODUCTIVE. And guys, it’s really enough.
When I was pregnant, in my mind’s eye I saw myself tapping away on my laptop on the sofa, looking on while my child sat angelically on a mat in front of me, playing. For the most part, that’s exactly what it looks like. What I didn’t count on was my need or urge to be present at all times, lest she feel neglected. I’m often leaving things in the middle of a sentence, or breaking off mid-lightbulb moment to cajole a frustrated child who’s trying to learn to crawl. And at its core, is that any bad thing? Which is the more important thing here, after all?
I had to have quite an important phone call the other week and for the very first time, allowed her to sit in front of the TV while I did it. Reader, I cried afterwards.
I recently listened to a podcast which had a guest on who is very popular in the world of gentle parenting. I rate her, so I won’t name, but something she said really bugged me. I’m paraphrasing but she said: “I used to work in all my children’s naps. I worked all night when they went to sleep. I was busy all the time, but I was doing it for them.”
YES, I thought. EXACTLY. That’s exactly why I’m doing it. But then, she followed up with:
“But I felt like I wasn’t really being present when I was with them, because I was so busy in all other ways. So I stopped, basically. I stopped working and now my kids have a nicer, better mother because I am always present”.
And I thought well, GOOD for BLOODY YOU. Then I felt really shit about myself. Because we are not lucky or established enough that I can simply *~STOP~* working. I need us to be financially stable. To be able to not struggle month to month and to be able to buy my little girl a treat when I want to. So, Parenting Guru, if that makes me not present enough, then tough shit.
Maybe I need to get a six book advance too, and then I’ll be able to pull back a bit.
I am, however, learning to ease up in other areas of my life. Areas I’d never have imagined letting my standards drop in. Nowadays, I hoover a bit less. I don’t blow dry my hair. I don’t bother with my nails. I draw boundaries with who I interact with, because if I’ve only got 30 minutes to laze about on WhatsApp, best believe I’d prefer to reach out to someone who has bothered to contact me since Polly’s birth (don’t get me started - newsletter INCOMINGGG).
I REALLY thought that in 2022, you could have it all. I thought that it was possible to be a great mother, great wife, great friend and great employee ALL WHILE being a good person to myself.
Lose myself, I thought? That’s for other people, the ones who haven’t got it TOGETHER, like I have. But I have. Lost myself a bit, I mean.
And, it seems, it’s in letting go of the bits of me that I once deemed so important (the hoovering, the hair, the nails), that I’m starting to rebuild the new me, made up of much more important things (my daughter, my husband, true friends).
Maybe you can do it all, it’s just deciding what your ‘all’ is.
I’ve written a few bits for The Independent recently! Polly is having the TIME of her LIFE with all the things we’ve been sent to try.
I’m now freelancing at The River Group / REFLECT. It’s tickling creative parts of me that have been dormant for a while. Check it out!
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Sounds like you're doing a great job Ella and totally with you. I value my financial independence and career and it makes me enjoy time with Rocco even more. Also there's nothing wrong with a bit of TV.